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SHOW ME THE MAN 



VAUDEVILLE PLAYLET 

by - 

CLARA ELEANOR WAGNER 

Author of "Cupid in Hell" 







*' The real dramas of life are not in 
circumstances but in feelings." 



.J 



SHOW M[ THE MAN 

VAUDEVILLE PLAYLET 

by 

CLARA ELEANOR WAGNER 

Author of "Cupid in Hell" 



**The real dramas of life are not in 
circumstances but in feelings." 






COPYRIGHT JULY 1911. 

BY 

CLARA ELEANOR WAGNER 



All acting rights, both professional 
and amature, are reserved. 
Application for the right of per- 
forming this playlet must be made 
to Clara Eleanor Wagner, 
Columbus, Ohio. 



Printed July 1911. 

The Nitschke Press 

Columbus, Ohio. 



TMP92-007592 

©GI.D 24705 



(( 



YAUDEYILLE PLAYLET 

Show Me the Man" 

BY 

Clara Eleanor Wagner 



Copyright July, 1911. 
(All Rights Reserved.) 



Jane Dickens, a village woman. 

(A man impersonates Jane.) 

Yiolette Glenn, city girl. 
Italian, street piano player. 

Scene — Hollyhock Place. Time, noon. The 
kitchen in the Dickens house. The noon sunlight 
streams through a window on the left. On the other 
side of the room a table, with a chair near. On the 
table are tin pans. One is filled with potatoes. A 
knife near. A bucket of water on table. A dipper 
with long handle, in bucket. Paper flowers are 
placed about the room. At back, a door opens into 
street. Two wooden rockers in center of room. 

3 



The elderly Jane Dickens, dissatisfied, sits in 
rocker. The rocker moves fast and slow, seemingly 
with her thoughts. She is dressed in very large black 
and white check shirt-waist suit, with plain black 
border four inches wide around bottom of skirt. 
Deep collar and cuffs of black, and white apron. 

Violette, a pretty, slender girl of eighteen, glides 
gracefully into the room. Violette wears tailored 
skirt of black, and white waist with sailor hat of 
latest design. 

Violette — (Bright and smiling.) Oh! Jane, 
I came to tell you I am the happiest girl 
in the whole world. I am going to be 

married. (Jane places chair for Violette, who 
stands with hand on back of chair. Jane sits down.) 

Jane — Did you come all the way to 

(name any town) tO tell me that? 

(Violette walks over and lays her hand on Jane's 
arm.) 

Violette — Of course I did. I can 
hardly w^ait. Is'nt it grand? I am not 
going to marry for money or for a home, 
but for what makes both — love. What- 
ever it is, I want it. As young as I am 
I know that every woman's heart craves 
love. 

Jane — (Scornfully.) My child, men call 

it admiration. (Jane points to chair. Violette 



sits down. They sit near together.) Listen, Vio- 

lette Glenn, you don't know it, but when 
you say "I do" your troubles just begin. 
Why do you do it! Why do you do it! 

Violette — I love him so. 

Jane — (Petulant.) Love! What do you 
know about love? I am not afraid to 
tell you face to face that you are a silly, 
foolish girl to leave a good home and a 
father and mother who just humor you 
to everything in reason and out of rea- 
son for a man who like as not will be 
sassin' you in less than a year. Men are 
grouchy as sin after the honeymoon is 
over. Show me! Show me the man 
that isn't! 

Yiolette — Oh, Jane! 

Jane — Marriage is a yoke, but some 
people act as if they thought it a joke! 
Where is the married couple that are 
not pullin' forty ways? It's just the 
same as havin' a mule and a balky horse 
hitched together. The mule stands on 
his head and the horse on his back legs 



until the harness has all gone to smash, 
and you can't even find the hitchin' 
strap to tie them up with. 

Yiolette — (Sincerely moved.) Jane yoU 

must be wrong! I cannot, cannot be- 
lieve it! 

Jane — Show me! Show me the two 
that go the same gait! One goes the 
l^ew York City rapid transit gait and 
the other the Philadelphia funeral march. 
Things have come to a pretty pass now- 
a-days ! Folks don't care when or where 
they may be goin', and don't think any 
more of breakin' marriage vows than 
they do china dishes. 

Violette — You do talk the queerest! 
Why did you get married? 

Jane — A man told me he loved me, 
and in a moment of weakness I believed 
him. Come to find out it was only him- 
self he loved. (Jane rocks very fast.) YoU 
just be recollectin' one thing, a man can 
make a real live devil in your heart. 



Violette — (Sweetly.) A man can make 
your heart beat as a drum in Paradise. 

Jane — (Looking at her a moment. Orchestra 

plays "Dreaming.") Oh, dear me! Sweet 
dreams, dreams, dreams! 

Violette — Didn't you have any honey- 
moon ? 

Jane — (Cynically.) Honeymoons are 
out of date. It's only the dollars that 
ring true — and keep ringin'. Nothin' 
like a honeymoon ever come my way — 
except I dreamed I had one once, and it 
lasted on and on until we were old, grey 
headed lovers. Show me! Show me 
the woman that has had dreams that 
have not turned out nightmares ! 

Violette — (Walking up and down) I don't 

care if I have nightmares enough to fill 
all the stables in this town. I won't be 
a m-i-s-e-r-a-b-1-e old maid — I just 
won't! I am going to have glorious, 
loving honeymoon days! 

Jane — (Laughs. That's all right for 
dreamers, but a lovin' person bores a 



practical man. He would find ditch- 
diggin' fascinatin' if he was comparin' 
the two. I have seen my man stand and 
look at the door and then at the window 
and look as if he w^as goin' to take his 
final run and jump, as I stood before 
him for my '^habit" kiss. An over-dose 
of love is as indigestible as soft-shell 
crabs and buttermilk — only a fool woman 
don't know it. 

Yiolette — (Pityingly.) Wasn't he kind 
to you? 

Jane — (Dryly.) Well, if only seein' a 
person's faults and makin' them stay 
home all the time is kind, he was. My 
man said, ''Be savin', be savin'! Count 
the pennies ! Count the pennies ! It costs 
money to go." I was so economical it 
gave me the headache. I hate bargain 
and sale! I hate it, I hate it to this day. 

Violette — You made a mistake. 
What is a man for but to do — and be 
done by the woman he loves? 

Jane — (Slaps her hands together in imitiation 

of her husband.) He said : ''It's damn fool- 



ishness! Damn foolishness! Do you 
want to break a man up with all these 
extras? The idea, flowers, books and 
theater tickets ! You better be doin' 
something useful that amounts to some- 
thing. 

Violette — The law gets after the man 
that doesn't furnish his wife food for the 
body, but says nothing about her soul. 

Jane — (SatiricaUy.) Just imagine! Vio- 
lette, the first night I was married my 
man said: **Jane, you set the alarm 
clock at 4 a. m. Put it in the dish pan, 
it will sound louder. "We might over 
sleep. Those potatoes need plowin' 
mighty bad." 

Violette — (Laughs.) Did you do it ? 

Jane — Of course I did! Business has 
put romance on the shelf. It's money, 
money, money, and work, work, work! 

Violette — Do you know why? A 
woman's wants are many. I think the 
women tip the scales pretty even for the 
men. 



Jane — You will have more spmik 
than most women or you will be lookin' 
as if you had heart disease in less than 
a year. Your Jack will dine, read the 
markets and base ball news, trim his 
corns and go to bed. 

Yiolette — (Earnestly.) It's a woman's 
fault if she is not happy. If Jack en- 
joys base ball, markets and corns, I will 
too! 

Jane — (Lays her hand on Violette's arm.) If 

nothing can change your determination 
just don't be forgettin' that the marriage 
certificate costs one dollar — be sure the 
man is worth a dollar: worth lovin' I 
mean. 

Yiolette — Jack says he will always 
love and sympathize with me. 

Jane — Sure that is the right dope for 
a woman, given in large doses. (With 
comic disgust.) Sympathy! Oh, dear me! 
Sympathy! Many a time when my 
nerves were a wreck and I wanted to be 
petted and coaxed up a bit my man 



never seemed to see it, but said I had 
too many notions, I ought to get rid of 
notions. Did I know old Mrs. Black 
had the hypo, and White's old horse had 
the heaves? He would put in the rest of 
the evenin' kickin' about everything he 
set his eyes on — just for nothin' at all. 
If you are bound to marry buy a kickin' 
strap. 

Yiolette — (Surprised.) A what ? 

Jane — (SpeUs very slowly.) K i c k i n ' 
S-t-r-a-p. (Jane points one finger.) Show me ! 

Show me the man that is not a born 
kicker. 

Violette — What do you mean? (Jane 

walks to chair near table and picks up chair and 
bangs it down.) 

Jane — (Raises her voice.) i^aggin', nag- 
gin', naggin', scoldin' scoldin', scoldin'. 

Violette — It's the women that don't 
know how to manage men. 

Jane — (Snappiiy.) All I got to say is, 
I pity the women that take the contract. 
Trainin' a husband was not in my line. 



My man scolds about his work all day 
and talks about pigs and chickens at 
night until in my dreams I can hear the 
pigs grunt and the old hens cackle. But 
worst of all he eats onions and drinks 
beer. 

Yiolette — I can understand why a 
man would drink cocktails and mint 
juleps, but not beer. 

Jane — (Shakes her head.) Good land! 

I thought he was my soul-mate. Vio- 
lette Glenn, you take a few sniffs of that 
delightful odor on a man's breath and it 
may not change your love for him, but 
you will change your bed and room. 
Listen! My man goes to bed with his 
overalls on and a corn-cob pipe in his 
mouth; and the society man with a dress 
suit and a cigarette, but one man is just 
as big a fool as the other. If I make a 
fuss about it he says a poor, over-worked 
man can't have any pleasure, cries a few 
whisky tears and is snorin' in less than 
a minute. Men try to make slaves out 
of their wives, then set themselves up to 



be just, but the whole bunch are frauds. 

Violettc — I don't believe it, and 
won't believe it! 

Jane — Show me, show me the man 
that is just to his wife. 

Violette — (Walking nervously about the 

room.) You are a man hater! 

Jane — (Sitting beside kitchen table.) Good 

land! I have been too good to a man. 
There is a time to speak up, just as there 
is a time to keep still. I let the speakin' 
time slip, now I have to go stringin' off 
to prayer meetin' alone while he is bein' 
soused up and down in a Turkish bath 
house. 

Violette — (Walks over and lays her hand on 

Jane's shoulder.) You frighten me ! 

Jane — (With Energy.) It's better to be 
scared before than after! 

(Street piano or graphophone, off stage, at dis- 
tance, plays "Goodbye, John." The piano comes 
nearer and stops under the window — Jane walks to 
window.) 

Jane — Go! do you hear, go! 



(Piano plays on. Jane throws potatoes at the 
window, hit or miss, one by one. Street piano with 
orchestra plays fast and furious. As each potato hits 
the man he howls, but stands his ground. When the 
potatoes are all gone, she looks around and sees the 
dipper in the bucket of water and begins throwing 
water. When it is all gone she turns the bucket 
upside down. Violette laughs merrily and runs to 
the window and throws him a piece of money. The 
man stops playing. Jane and Violette sit down. 
Jane fans herself with her apron. Looking away 
from Violette she makes comical faces and smiles at 
the audience. As she turns her face from the window 
the street piano man returns and shakes his fist 
before window, not showing his face. She turns sud- 
denly and sees him.) 

Jane — (Excited.) What shall I do ? 
What shall I do ? 

(She takes a bunch of paper flowers and throws it 
out the window. The man waves them before the 
window. All is quiet for a minute.) 

Jane — (Fanning and half laughing.) Men 

do beat — a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. 

(Street piano and orchestra play, " Kiss Me, 
Honey, Kiss Me." The street piano stops playing. 
Orchestra plays on. The man with the flowers passes 
and repasses the window. Jane throws a tin pan at 
him each time he passes. The last time he passes 
the flowers are pinned to his coat.) 

Jane — (in loud voice.) Beat it ! Beat 
it ! Beat it ! 

(The man grabs the tin pans and beats them "to 
beat the band." He tries to keep time with orchestra 



drum. Violette laughs. The man goes back to the 
street piano and plays for a few minutes in the dis- 
tance. Jane sits on the table swinging her feet, 
showing her white stockings. She places her hands 
on her hips.) 

Jane — Did you see nie get the best 
of him? M-a-y-b-e, I allow my own 
man to torment me — but that's all. 

(Violette walks over and pull's Jane's dress down.) 

It's blamed little women know about 
men until they get them. 

V^iolette — There are hundreds of 
happy marriages! 

Jane — (Laughs scornfully.) A lot of 

make-believes! A woman is always 
hidin' her feelin's, and a man hasn't any 
to hide. 

Violette — (Looking up.) Jack could 
never be cross to me! He is my ideal! 
I know it! (After a slight pause.) He is the 
biggest chance Iv'e had yet. Yes, I am 
his ideal. 

Jane — (Sarcastically.) Ideal Until he 

gets you! (Jane gets down from table.) Vio- 
lette Glenn, you are not goin' into this 



thing without your eyes open. I give 
you my word, a man is always blamin' 
his wife for all his troubles; and other 
women folks are helpin' him along until 
he is chuck full of self pity. Good lands! 
It's pretty bewilderin' to a woman the 
first time she hears her man damn and 
to hell things. 

Yiolette — (Frightened.) Surely, Jane, a 
man would never swear before his wife! 

(Both sit down in rockers. Violette puts her 
handkerchief to her eyes a moment. Jane lays her 
hands on Violette' s knees.) 

Jane — I believe you're cryin'! We 
women are sentimental fools! You just 
make up your mind to take things as 
they come along at home, but never let 
your man neglect you before folks, for it 
is an advertisement to other men to 
make love to you. There are plenty of 
men lookin' for the "soul-kiss" that 
have no souls. 

Violette — (Rising) Listen! My hus- 
band shall never neglect me — I-will- 
see-that-he-does-not. I may break his 



heart, but he shall never break mine. 

Jane — Show me! Show me the man 
that don't neglect his wife. (Jane takes 

Violette by both hands and she sits down again.) 

Violette, when the neglectin' begins you 
just use good common sense and don't 
be clingin' to Jack, for the more you 
want his love the less you will get. Let 
me tell you another thing — don't be 
hangin' around him in business hours, 
makin' yonrself a hindrance instead of a 
help. That will drive any man to drink, 
or something worse. Don't you forget 
it! A woman can ruin any man's busi- 
ness. 

Violette — I just love to go to Jack's 
office! 

Jane — (With biting satire.) I gave yOU 

credit for havin' better judgment. A 
man don't always want to be with the 
one that loves him — sometimes we wo- 
men don't, either. Anything but havin' 
a man around under foot when you are 
cookin' a meal. Do you know how to 
cook? 



Violette — (Shakes her head.) Not very 

much — but Jack does. 

Jane — Learn it! Learn it or you will 

be on your road to Reno. (Orchestra plays, 
"I Am on My Way to Reno.") 

Yiolette — Jack says he never cares 
what he has to eat. 

Jane — (in a Loud Voice.) Show Hie! 

Show me the man that don't care what 
he has to eat! 

Yiolette — (Rising.) Jane, you have 
been cruelly unjust to men in all that 
you have said. I don't care what hap- 
pens, I am going to marry Jack, '^Just 

because I love him so." (Orchestra plays 
softly, "Just Because I Love You.") I am going 

to take my chance. 

Jane — (Rising.) Show me! Show me 
the girl that won't take a chance! (She 
turns to audienc.) I will show you the man 

that will take a chance. (Jane removes her 
wig. Orchestra plays, "There Will be a Hot Time in 
the Old Town Tonight.") 

(The Curtain FaUs.) 

18 



JUL ir 1^(1 



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